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| This page is a transcript for The Perfect House. |
Cold Open
(The episode begins with a montage of open houses for sale, we see Josh, Emily and Candice in an open house)
Emily: Aw! This is so...
(Emily walks offscreen, revealing Josh and Candice lying bored on a chair)
Josh: Boring! Ugh...
(Candice laughs at Josh, as Emily walks up to him with her arms crossed)
Josh: Can we at least swim in the pool?
Emily: No! Look, don't ruin this for me. I won thumb war fair and square, so we're looking at open houses.
(Cut to Emily in the open house's kitchen)
Emily: Oh, uh - I don't know where to throw this garbage. Oh wait -
(Emily pulls open a cupboard door which acts as a trash can)
Emily: Shazam!
(Cut to Emily in the open house's backyard)
Emily: Just contemplating how overcrowded L.A. is...
(The shot zooms out)
Emily: ...in my two acre backyard!
(Cut back into the kitchen, Emily picks up a teabag tin and starts rubbing it on her face)
Emily: Oh yeah, that's the stuff.
Josh: You don't even drink tea.
Emily: Yeah, because I can never find it. If I had these times, I would drink tea all day, son!
Josh: Husband.
Emily: All day, husband!
(Cut to Emily opening a drawer and then aggressively closing it, but the drawer doesn't slam and satisfyingly shuts. Emily gives a happy sigh. Cut to her in the kitchen, stepping into the living room at the same time)
Emily: I'm in the kitchen, I'm in the living room! I'm in the kitchen, I'm in the living room!
(Josh walks up to her with Candice)
Josh: Ha! Can I try?
Emily: See? Open houses aren't boring.
(Josh and Candice copy what Emily was just doing)
Josh: I'm in the kitchen, I'm in the living room, I'm in the kitchen -
(Josh quickly runs outside)
Josh: - I'm in the pool!
(Josh and Candice run to the pool while laughing)
Emily: No, Josh!
(Josh and Candice cannonball into the pool)
Josh: Jack-knife!
(At the side of the pool, where the realtor is showing some people around the backyard. They get splashed by the water and end up stuck on the cacti that was behind them. The realtor screams)
Main episode
(Back to 8306 Berendo Street, the gang are returning back home)
Emily: I can't believe you got us kicked out of that open house!
Josh: Hey, I said I was sorry. Now can we do something we're all...
(Zoom out to see Alex half-naked on the floor with a bunch of sticky notes and pictures around the living room)
Josh: ...into...?
Alex: No! Don't touch anything! I'm this close to connecting Garfield to Jesus!
Emily: Are you drinking moonshine?
(We see a jar with a yellow liquid inside)
Alex: No! That's disgusting! That's my urine.
Josh: Uh, we'll just go in through the kitchen.
(Cut to them attempting to enter through the kitchen)
Bridgette: Watch out!
(They see Bridgette also half-naked body-painting onto a giant piece of paper, the paint splashes over the trio)
Emily: Seriously? You had to do this in the kitchen?
Bridgette: Alex was taking up the whole living room.
Emily: Ugh.
Bridgette: Get in here, Candice!
(Candice runs over to Bridgette)
Bridgette: Your body is a paintbrush that your spirit inhabits.
(Candice jumps into Bridgette's paint pool, then starts rolling on the floor. They start singing. Josh runs to a drawer, and shoves a screwdriver into it)
Josh: Look honey, we have a drawer like the open house. It won't slam!
(The drawer does slam, and the screwdriver flies into the air. Emily groans and rubs her temples. Bridgette jumps into the wall, causing the light to fall through the ceiling and hang there)
Josh: Haha, look Em! Chandelier!
Emily: I think I'm just gonna go for a walk, get some air.
Candice: You don't wanna use your body like a paintbrush?
Emily: Nah. You guys do your thing, I'll go do my thing.
Josh: But we should do a thing together.
Emily: Is that thing cleaning up this overcrowded apartment?
Josh: Nah, there's gotta be something better. Hmm...
(Josh looks to his right and gasps)
Josh: Oh my God, wait.
(He is looking at a flyer for a Family Bike)
Josh: I've always wanted to be a Family Bike family.
(Flashback to younger Josh cycling his bike and laughing, he hears a voice)
Man: On your left!
(Josh loses stability and falls into a ditch. He sees a family on a family bike cycling passed. The kid turns around)
Kid: Where's your family, loser?
Josh: Oh!
(The flashback ends. Josh gasps)
Josh: That's what we'll do together! A family bike! Emily!
(He turns around to see an empty room)
Josh: Huh?
(Bridgette pops her head around the corner)
Bridgette: She left 30 minutes ago.
(Cut to Emily walking through a neighbourhood. She sighs while looking at all the houses)
Emily: Never gonna be mine. Never gonna be mine. Never gonna be mine.
(She stands in front of an open house)
Emily: But there's no harm in looking...
(Emily enters a new house and spins around)
Emily: Perfect house! Perfect house! Perfect hou-
(Emily suddenly bumps into another visitor at the house)
Emily: Ugh, oh my god! I am so sorry.
Dave: No, no, I couldn't agree with you more. This is the perfect house! (laughs) Are you gonna put in an offer?
Emily: Me? Nah, to save money, my family lives with a divorced couple, so open houses are more of a guilty pleasure.
Dave: Me too. I just like to come check out how the other half lives. (laughs) Also at home, my kids write on the walls with shit.
(Emily just stares at him)
Emily: Uhh...
(A young girl walks up to them)
Emily: Oh, is this your daughter?
Caitlin: Daughter? Heheh, no. I'm -
Dave: Whoa! You're superstar Mona Arizona!
Caitlin: Yeah, my real name's Caitlin.
Dave: What brings you here, Mona?
Caitlin: Well, I'm an emancipated minor, so I like to go to open houses because they represent the normal life I'll never know. When you work as much as I do, you start to fear that you'll look back on these years and think "Where did my childhood go?"
(Caitlin starts to tear up)
Dave: Yeah, my triplet's love you. They sing your songs all the time.
Emily: Whoa, triplets?
Dave: Yeah, they can't sing. It's really bad.
(A realtor walks into the room)
Realtor: Don't forget to check out the guest house! A happy family like yours must have lots of visitors!
Emily: Oh, no. We're not -
Caitlin: Oh come on, mom. Let's see where grandma's gonna stay.
Emily: Uhm...
Dave: No harm in looking, right "hun"?
(Dave winks at her)
Emily: Actually, I need to get back to...
(Emily suddenly has flashbacks of the earlier events, seeing Bridgette half-naked covered in paint, Alex half-naked with his Garfield/Jesus board, and Josh slamming a door)
Emily: You know what? Sure thing, hun! Wink! Heheheh.
(A sitcom-style opening music video begins, showing an establishing shot of Hollywood Hills. Caitlin is shown with her neck stuck in the bars on the stairs, with Dave trying to help her. He stops and calls for help. The two then smile at each other. A scene is then shown of Emily and Dave surprising Caitlin with a box of donuts on her birthday. The trio are then seen playing jenga together in the living room. Caitlin and Emily smile at each other, as they look towards Dave who is suddenly starting at them creepily in the darkness. Emily pulls Caitlin back to protect her. Dave then switches on a lamp and laughs, as Caitlin joins him. Emily looks confused. Caitlin is then shown sunbathing in the backyard as she lowers her sunglasses and smiles at the camera, and text displaying "CAITLIN OLSMAN" appears on screen. Dave is then shown reading a newspaper as he swings back on his chair, causing him to fall. The scene freezes as text displaying "DAVE COLDIER" appears on the screen. Emily is then shown looking confused on the sofa, as text displaying "EMILY RAMIREZ" appears on screen. She looks down towards the text confused. The opening video then ends with an exterior shot of the house with the text "Open House" displayed on screen. Throughout this montage this song plays:)
Singer: The feeling you get when you're not at home, but you're running around in someone else's home. No worries, no cares, 'cause your real family's not there, yeah. No cleaning, no scheming, this world's in-between yeah, no bullcrap, no fights, just laughter every night. No wonder you escaped to an Open House. There are no worries in an Open House. Reality's blurry in an Open House. Why don't you stay a while, Open House. No, you're not in denial, Open House.
(The scene starts with Dave sat on the sofa as Caitlin is packing her schoolbag)
Caitlin: Okay, I got my algebra homework, my Spanish homework, my history homework.
Dave: Is there any subject you don't have homework for? (laughs)
(Canned sitcom laughter)
Caitlin: Lunch.
(Canned sitcom laughter)
Caitlin: Hey, wait a minute. Where is my lunch? Mom didn't pack it.
Dave: Come to think of it, where is mom?
(Emily suddenly bursts though the door from the kitchen)
Emily: You guys!
(Canned sitcom cheering)
Emily: Do you - do you guys hear that?
Dave: Oh, it's probably just the Cohen's bat mitzvah party next door.
(Canned sitcom laughter)
Emily: Uhh...
(Caitlin walks up to Emily)
Caitlin: Uh, mom? You look like you could use a glass of water.
Dave: I think you're right, Caitlin. But I'm pretty sure your mom pronounces it "pinot grigio."
(Canned sitcom laughter)
Emily: Yeah...water.
(Meanwhile, back at the apartment, a delivery guy presses the doorbell and Josh jumps straight out of the door)
Josh: The Family Bike is here!
Delivery Guy: Sign here, please.
(Josh signs the form)
Josh: Heheheh. Hey, how'd you guys get here so fast? I only ordered it like twenty minutes ago.
Delivery Guy: Says here you ordered it three days ago.
Josh: Three days!? Where the hell is Emily?
Delivery Guy: Oh yeah, sorry. The orders for those Emily real dolls are all backed up. Got mine last week though.
(A blow-up doll is shown in the passenger seat of the delivery van)
Delivery Guy: Lot of fun, lot of fun.
(Back to the Open House. Dave and Caitlin are dancing to music in the kitchen)
Caitlin: Haha, isn't this song great?
(Emily turns off the boombox)
Emily: No. No, it's not. Guys, something is wrong in this house.
(Emily puts a glass in the sink)
Emily: You know how I wanted a glass of water? Well, look.
(She turns the faucet and no water comes out)
Emily: Nothing.
(Emily walks up to the fridge)
Emily: So I think: Hey, maybe the fridge? Oh, but it's probably empty like the rest of the house, Emily!
(Emily opens the fridge)
Emily: Nope, it's packed with paintings of food!
(Emily slams the concrete fridge with her fist)
Dave: Emily, I had a glass of water an hour ago. Why don't you let me try, huh?
(Dave takes the glass out of Emily's hand and puts it in the sink. He turns the faucet and makes a "swooshing" noise with his mouth, imitating the sound of water flowing. Emily looks at him horrified. He then pretends to gulp down the water)
Dave: Ah!
(Canned sitcom laughter)
Emily: It's not funny!
(Emily's phone starts ringing. She looks at her phone and suddenly the ringtone's pitch gets lower. The phone comes up with "unknown number". Just as Emily answers the phone, the ringtone changes to a classic telephone sound)
Emily: Hello?
Josh: Emily! Emily, where are you?
Emily: Josh! Oh my God!
(Emily runs to the front door of the Open House)
Emily: I'm at the Open House, but...
(Emily opens the door)
Emily: Something's...wrong here.
(Emily comes to a shocking revelation as she discovers the Open House is suddenly in another dimension. Everything outside the Open House is just static noise)
Josh: Emily? Emily?
(Back at the apartment, the phone call gets interrupted and ends. Cut to Josh riding the Family Bike by himself, and naturally struggling)
Josh: Emily! Baby! Emily! Come back!
(The kid from the Family Bike Family appears riding a bike alone, now all grown up)
Guy: Where's your family, loser?
(Back at the Open House, Emily is still standing at the door shocked at what is happening outside. Dave and Caitlin come up behind her)
Caitlin: What a beautiful day!
(Emily shuts the door, then the doorbell suddenly rings)
Dave: I'll get it!
(Dave opens the door to reveal Josh standing there. Everything outside is back to normal. Canned sitcom booing)
Josh: Emily! There you are!
Dave: Hey, I'm Dave. Emily's husband.
(Canned sitcom laughter)
Josh: What? I'm Emily's husband.
(Canned sitcom gasping. A caption on the screen is displayed saying "TO BE CONTINUED")
Emily: Josh! Don't come in! Don't close the door!
(The door shuts itself as Emily runs towards towards it and re-opens it. Everything has turned static outside again. Josh looks outside)
Josh: What the hell?
(The screen glitches)
Singer: O-o-pen house.
(Emily shuts the door)
Emily: Try the window!
(Josh and Emily run towards the window and open the blinds. Still static)
Emily: Let's check upstairs!
(Emily runs upstairs but as soon as she is out of sight, she enters through the kitchen door)
Josh: What's going on?
(Emily runs back through the kitchen door and appears at the top of the stairs)
Emily: It's a set, Josh. This whole thing, it's a sitcom!
Josh: Well, how do we get out?
Emily: I don't know! [BLEEP]!
(Canned audience gasping. Emily suddenly notices that the fourth wall of the house is missing, and they are being watched by an audience)
Dave: Hun, I know you're upset, but we can't say stuff like that here. We'll lose our audience.
Emily: That's it! Maybe if we do stuff you can't do on sitcoms, we can get out of here!
(Emily flashes her breasts (covered by a black bar), and sticks her middle fingers up (also covered by a black bar) and curses a bunch of times, which is bleeped. Canned audience booing. Emily pulls her top back down)
Emily: [BLEEP]! What else can't you do on sitcoms?
Josh: I don't know, how did any of this even happen? And who is that guy that keeps calling you "hun"?
Emily: Uhm...that's -
Caitlin: Mom, why does this guy call dad "that guy"?
Josh: And why does the girl call you "mom"?
Dave: And why do I love this water!?
Josh: Are you cheating on us with another family?
Emily: Uhm, well I...uh...
(Emily looks around at everyone as emotional music begins to play. The audience are watching nervously. The camera operator sweats)
Emily: (gasps) The music...that's it! We have to follow the format, not fight it. I'm calling a family meeting!
(Canned sitcom enthusiasm. The screen glitches briefly before returning to normal. Caitlin, Dave and Josh are sat on the sofa)
Emily: The truth is, I haven't been real with any of you. Josh, I came here because sometimes I feel overwhelmed by the chaos at the apartment. I know we chose to have roommates so we could afford a better school district for Candice, but just once a week I like to imagine life with a little more peace and order. Open Houses give me the strength to deal with the weird art projects, the exposed wires, and Alex - there's something really wrong with that guy. Dave, Caitlin, I can't be a part of your family anymore. I'm sorry, but it's time for me to go back to my real home.
Dave: I understand. But is it okay if I just stay here? My triplets are a real pain in the tuchus!
(Canned sitcom laughter and cheering. An instrumental of the "Open House" song plays as the credits roll, reading: "CREATED BY: EMILY • DAVE • CAITLIN'S Subconscious / Executive Producer: Id Ego Superego". Emily turns the door handle as she slowly leaves the Open House and re-enters the real world, bringing her back to normal. A siren is heard)
Emily: I've never been so excited to leave an Open House!
(A bird flies by and craps on her shoulder)
Emily: Let's go home.
(Dave leaves the Open House)
Dave: Michelle!
(Dave's wife, Michelle, is standing at the end of the driveway with three triplets clinging onto her making a strange noise. She marches up to him)
Michelle: Dave, where you been? There's something wrong with the kids, they're making this weird noise and they won't stop!
Dave: Uhh...
(Dave runs quickly back into the Open House)
Michelle: Dave! You bastard, don't you shut me out, don't you dare shut me out!
(Dave slams the door on her then re-opens it to find himself back in the static sitcom void. He then closes the door again and leans on it)
Dave: Oh, thank god.
Caitlin: Classic Dave!
Dave: What're you gonna do with me?
(Canned sitcom laughter. Another establishing shot of the Open House is shot with a new title: Classic Dave)
Singer: Classic Dave!!
(Later at the beach: Josh, Emily, Candice, Alex and Bridgette are riding Josh's Family Bike and laughing)
Emily: You were right, this is fun for the whole family.
(Pearle and Randy ride passed them on a two-person bike)
Pearle: On your left!
Randy: Hey! Nice family, loser.
(Josh sighs happily)
Josh: Oh hey, I got you something.
(Josh hands Emily a poorly wrapped gift. Emily opens it to reveal Tea, Sugar and Flour tins)
Emily: Tins!
Josh: Now, you can finally drink tea.
Emily: Thanks.
Josh and Emily each put one arm around Candice. Bridgette suddenly points ahead)
Bridgette: Look out!
(The gang head towards the sea)
Bridgette: How do you stop this thing?
(Canned sitcom laughter)
Emily: Does anyone else hear that?
(End of "The Perfect House")
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