| This page is a transcript for Room Parents. |
(A parent-teacher meeting is happening at Chamomile Elementary. Josh and Emily are in attendance-=)
Mr. Campbell: So to prevent further mishaps, the children will no longer be learning acupuncture.
(The parents groan)
Mr. Campbell: And this parent-teacher meeting is done...is what I'll say as soon as we're done.
(The parents groan again. Josh is holding his crotch desperate for the toilet)
Josh: Aw man, I should not have drunk three powerades.
Emily: Shh, just cross your legs. It's almost over.
Mr. Campbell: And there is one last thing before I let you go. Something very exciting.
(The parents are now muttering excitedly)
Mr. Campbell: An opportunity if you're up to it. Hahahah.
(Mr. Campbell picks up a plank of wood and blocks the classroom door with it. The parents mutter confused)
Mr. Campbell: We need a volunteer to be Room Parent!
(The parents start screaming and panicking. Trish is seen jumping through the ceiling boards. Another parent jumps through the window, as one stabs himself with a rubber and gets decapitated by another parent)
Mr. Campbell: Guys, you guys - the drama. Do we need it?
(A chair is thrown towards Mr. Campbell as he dodges it calmly)
Mr. Campbell: You just have to send a bunch of emails and raise money for new playground equipment.
(Emily is hiding. A parent's body suddenly lands on the table with a ruler sticking through. The ruler is leaking with blood)
Emily: Josh? Whatever you do, don't raise your...
(She hears a toilet flushing)
Emily: ...hand?
(Josh exits the restroom, missing all the action)
Josh: Whoa, what did I miss? We doing a purge?
(Josh looks ahead towards the chaos in the classroom. Other parents are either fighting, dead or on fire. At the front of the classroom, Mr. Campbell still stands calmly, waving at Josh)
Mr. Campbell: Joshua! Would you like to volunteer to be Room Parent?
Josh: That sounds pretty cool.
(Josh begins to raise his hand)
Emily: Josh? Don't!
(In slow motion as Josh raises his hand)
Josh: I'll do it.
(Emily tackles Josh, back to regular speed)
Mr. Campbell: Yes! We have a Room Parent for the year! Woo!
Emily: He didn't mean it! It was a spasm!
Mr. Campbell: Ooh, I'm so sorry, accidental hand-raises are legally blinding.
Main Episode
(Josh and Emily are walking back to their car. Josh is holding a bunch of folders and a fund-o-meter)
Emily: Josh, do you realize what you've signed up for? Your life as you know it is over!
Josh: It's an opportunity to help the school and do something for Candice. And it seems fun, check out this swag.
(Josh points at the fund-o-meter)
Emily: That is a novelty thermometer for the fundraiser.
Josh: Heheh, more like fun-raiser.
Emily: I'm gonna go get Candice.
(Emily walks off. Josh heads to the car to put his supplies in the trunk. He drops the fund-o-meter and goes to pick it up. As he touches it, so does somebody else)
Josh: Huh?
Nikki: Let me help you with that, you absolute hero.
(Nikki passes the fund-o-meter to Josh)
Josh: Oh, thanks, uhh...?
Nikki: Nikki, I'm Billy's mom.
(Pan over to Billy in the shade, sliding down a slide)
Nikki: I just wanted to say how impressive you are. It takes a real man to volunteer for Room Parent and put on a fundraiser.
Josh: I think of it as more of a "fun-raiser".
(Nikki stares at Josh)
Nikki: (laughs) Oh my God, you're so funny!
Josh: Thanks, I think so too.
(Josh puts the fund-o-meter in the trunk)
Nikki: Look, I don't wanna overstep but...what if we were "co-Room Parents"?
Josh: Really?
Nikki: Yeah! I did it for my older kid so I know how hard it can be. But I bet, if we put our faces (laughs) I mean heads...together, we might even have a little sex (laughs) I mean fun.
Josh: Wow, that sounds great. Thanks Nikki.
Nikki: Let's do coffee tomorrow. Talk about the fundraiser, explore our "feelings".
(Nikki touches Josh's stomach)
Nikki: Oh wow, do you work out? Actually, don't answer. I wanna find out...organically.
(Nikki walks off as Emily and Candice walk towards Josh)
Emily: Who was that?
Josh: She just offered to be my co-Room Parent.
Emily: Really? Why?
Josh: Maybe she just likes fundraising.
Emily: Nobody likes fundraising, Josh.
Candice: Yeah, what's fun about raisins, Josh?
(Cut to the apartment during daytime. Emily is chilling out in the living room with Alex and Bridgette. Josh walks by texting on his phone)
Josh: (laughs)
Emily: What's so funny?
Josh: Ah, Room Parent stuff. You wouldn't understand.
(Josh gets a phone call)
Josh: (gasps) This is her now! I better take it.
(Josh answers the phone)
Josh: Nikki, hey! What am I wearing?
(Josh walks off)
Bridgette: Heheh, she's got it bad.
Alex: Aw, she's just aching for that J-dog D!
Emily: Pfft, what are you talking about?
Bridgette: Josh is a type. That humming bird nose...
Alex: His fragile hips...
Bridgette: The way his eyes tear up when he tastes mustard...
Alex: Dude's got a body like the Jack of Clubs. Better than a 10 and paper thin.
Emily: No, they're just joking around!
(Josh walks passed them again, heading for the outside door)
Josh: Going out to meet Nikki. She told me to wash my balls. Pfft, so random.
(Josh closes the door. Emily stares into the distance. She knocks on Pearle's door. She answers)
Pearle: I've seen that look before. Let me guess...taking revenge on the cartel that killed your partner?
Emily: I think Josh is being seduced. He doesn't realize it yet, but once he does, I'm worried it'll be too late.
(Pearle pulls up a set of keys)
Pearle: We'll take my spy van!
(Montage: "Crazy on You" by Heart plays as Emily and Pearle drive off in a white van marked "Sir Veillance: Carpet Cleaning". Josh and Nikki are at the Travel Town Train Museum, getting into a riding railroad carriage. Nikki goes to sit down, points her butt towards Josh, then sits on his lap facing him. She laughs about it, and Josh also laughs. The train drives off. Emily and Pearle are seen hiding in the bushes watching them with binoculars. Later, Josh and Nikki are having a picnic in a park. Josh drops some of his sandwich filling on his t-shirt. Nikki pulls the shirt off him and licks it off, then wipes his face with it. Emily and Pearle are hiding under a picnic blanket, wearing helmets made of twigs. Josh's t-shirt is then thrown onto Emily. Later, Emily and Pearle are parked outside a flower shop, watching Josh and Nikki through their binoculars. She is horrified as she sees the two fully naked and on top of each other. She then zooms out to discover that this is just a picture on a t-shirt, in a pop-up shop called "F@#K SHIRTS", with the subheading "SEE WHAT YOU LOOK LIKE F@#KING". The real Josh and Nikki are standing next to the T-shirt laughing. Emily sighs of relief, before saying "What?" confused. Much later, Emily and Pearle are parked by some traffic lights. Emily looks through her binoculars to see Nikki dragging Josh into a hotel. Emily looks up and sees the name of the hotel is "SEX HOTEL". Emily looks horrified, but a truck blocking the left of "SEX" moves away, revealing the name to actually be "SUSSEX HOTEL". Emily sighs of relief, then notices another truck move revealing the full name of the hotel: "SUSSEX HOTEL FOR HAVING AFFAIRS IN". Emily is horrified. The montage ends. Josh returns to the apartment at night)
Josh: (singing the instrumental of "Crazy on You") Bow-bow-nan-nan-nan-naw-naw-naw! (laughs)
(Emily switches on a lamp to reveal her sitting on the sofa)
Josh: (screams)
Emily: I followed you today. I saw you gallivanting around town with your "girlfriend"!
Josh: Nikki? We're just buds. We like to horse around and give each other nicknames like "Nik-Nak" and "Delicious Little Sex Boy".
Emily: I saw you being romantic all over town!
Josh: We were just exploring potential places to hold the fundraiser.
Emily: So you aren't cheating on me?
Josh: Of course not, I love you.
(Josh sits down and holds Emily's hands)
Josh: And don't worry, if someone were coming onto me, I would definitely know.
Emily: Just in case, would you mind not co-Room Parenting with Nikki, anymore?
Josh: Oh. Totally.
Emily: Thank you. Maybe we can stop by her place before the fundraiser tomorrow and break the news.
Josh: Sure, she invited me over for a tour of her bathtub anyway, so - oh, I see it now.
(Cut to Nikki's house. Josh knocks on the door, with a sign saying "Bless this Mess". Nikki answers)
Nikki: Josh! Josh's Wife! What a pleasant surprise! Come on in.
(Josh and Emily enter her house)
Josh: Sorry to drop in on you like this. I just needed to let you know I don't think we should be co-Room Parents anymore.
Nikki: (laughs) You're so funny!
Josh: I know I'm usually so funny, but this time I'm actually serious.
Nikki: But what about the fundraiser?
Emily: Josh can take care of it. He really appreciates all your help.
Nikki: Aww...thank you, Josh. Hey, I've been making a killer apple tart - how about a slice to show there's no hard feelings?
Emily: That would be...
(Nikki walks off)
Emily: ...lovely.
Josh: Heh, hey. That worked out great.
Emily: Thanks for doing this.
Josh: No problem.
(Josh notices Billy)
Josh: Billy, my man, what's up?
(Billy is sat in front of a TV displaying nothing but a static screen)
Emily: Josh?
(Josh walks up to Billy)
Josh: Don't like responding to questions when you watch TV? My daughter's the same -
(Josh puts his hand on Billy's shoulder and it rustles)
Josh: Wait a minute, why does your arm feel like it's filled with straw?
(Josh turns Billy around to reveal that he is a mini scarecrow, not a kid)
Josh: Oh my god! Billy's dead!
(Josh holds on to Emily)
Emily: No, Billy's not real! We have to get out of here!
(Nikki is standing opposite them holding a tart)
Nikki: I'm afraid I can't let you do that.
Josh: Not to be rude but, heh, I don't think we want that tart anymore.
Nikki: (laughs) Don't worry. The only thing on the menu...
(Nikki pulls a pistol out of the tart)
Nikki: ...is gun!
(Josh and Emily gasp)
Emily: Wait, why did she bake it into the tart?
(Nikki ties Josh and Emily up to chairs with rope)
Josh: So you're not even a parent at the school?
Nikki: Ugh, god, no. Kids are like "egh" with their sicky little "blegh". Yeah, no. I've pulled this grift in every town from Santa Maria to Santa Clarita.
(Nikki shows Josh a book named "Griftin' Memories")
Nikki: Every school has at least one dad up to his neck in Room Parent duties, desperate for help. In my line of work, we call them a "Josh".
Emily: But why? You can't be making more than like $250.
Nikki: It's a volume business. I'm running a Josh in Van Nuys too. Well, this has been fun but I have children to rob.
(Nikki leaves the house holding Billy)
Emily: If she takes that money, we won't be able to afford a new playground.
Josh: And everyone will think I'm just some dumb Josh!
(Cut to the Travel Town Train Museum, where the fundraiser is taking place. Emily puts the fund-o-meter on a pop-up table. She laughs. Meanwhile, at Nikki's house, Josh and Emily are trying to move the chairs they're tied onto. They tip themselves falling on the floor. Emily reaches for her phone)
Josh: What are you doing?
Emily: I'm getting us out of here.
(Emily flicks the phone towards her head, it lands next to her. She uses her tongue to navigate through her phone. On the app "Post Pals", she orders a knife, which immediately pops up with a message saying "On its way!" Back at the fundraiser, Nikki is collecting money from parents)
Nikki: Why yes, my son is here and he's totally a human boy.
(Candice, Pearle and Randy are also in attendance)
Pearle: Where the hell are those two?
(Back at Nikki's house, the Post Pals delivery guy opens the door)
Delivery Guy: Post Pal.
(Josh and Emily look up at him on the floor)
Delivery Guy: They were all out of knife.
(The delivery guy holds up a fork)
Emily: Ugh, you guys are the worst.
(The delivery guy hands Emily the fork and she uses it to pick at the rope until it gets cut. At the fundraiser, Nikki pours in all the donations from the fund-o-meter into a money bag. Josh and Emily suddenly pull up in their car. They rush out)
Josh: Nikki, stop!
(Nikki gasps and jumps onto a riding railroad carriage)
Nikki: See you on the other side, losers!
(Nikki flips the middle finger towards Josh, but quickly realizes that the riding railroad is going incredibly slow, and Josh and Emily are easily able to catch up to her. The duo step into the rear carriage)
Nikki: Shit.
(Josh and Emily make their way towards Nikki, carefully taking kids off the carriages and onto land (or a hook). Nikki approaches the conductor, who turns around)
Conductor: Hey, you can't be up here!
Nikki: (laughs) Oh my god, you're so funny...
(Nikki kicks the conductor off the carriage as he rolls into a water tower and explodes, causing the tower to fall and flood its surroundings. Emily suddenly reaches the front of the carriage, where Candice is sitting, and picks her up)
Candice: Mom! Dad's girlfriend is getting away.
Emily: Don't call her that.
Josh: Give it up, Nikki. You're trapped.
Nikki: Please, like I could ever be outsmarted by a Josh!
(Nikki points her gun at Josh)
Candice: Okay, I wanna get off now.
(Nikki turns and shoots the railroad indicator, causing the railroad track to switch to another route. She then pulls a lever from "Safe" to "Unsafe", making the riding railroad train go much faster. Josh, Emily and Candice are blown back as Nikki holds steadily onto some bars. Emily and Candice are suddenly knocked out of their carriage)
Josh: Emily!
(Luckily, Emily and Candice land in Pearle's spy van, next to Randy)
Emily: Josh!
Josh: I've gotta stop her! I'm a Room Parent.
(Pearle steps on the breaks as the railroad train reaches the Track End. The train goes flying off a cliff and lands on a road, still speeding ahead. Nikki gets up still holstering her gun and shoots towards Josh, as he carefully makes his way towards her without getting shot. Josh finds himself next to Billy and throws him at Nikki, who is attempting to detach the carriages, causing her to drop her gun. Josh jumps towards Nikki and wrestles her for the money)
Josh: Give me the cash, Nikki!
Nikki: How about I make out a check...to your nuts!
(Nikki knees Josh in the groin. He falls down and kicks Nikki up the butt, causing her to fall against a carriage. Josh crawls towards Nikki's money bag, but she quickly grabs him and slaps him across the face, then kicks him in the face with her "Jimmy Choo" heels, flinging him back a few more carriages. Nikki then detaches the front carriage from the rest of the train)
Nikki: So long, Josh. And by the way, you're actually not funny.
Josh: Yeah, it's pretty hard to be funny...when the joke's on you!
(Josh pulls up Nikki's money bag. Nikki looks down to see that Josh switched the money bag for Billy)
Nikki: Billy!?
(Nikki throttles Billy)
Nikki: How could you!?
(Nikki turns around to see that her detached carriage is heading for a car transporter truck ramp. Her carriage flies from the ramp towards a "Novelty Thermometer Factory")
Nikki: No!!
(The carriage crashes into the factory, causing an explosion. Billy's head flies away and Nikki dies. Cut to later back at the fundraiser. Fireworks go off and Josh pumps his fund-o-meter which explodes with cash. The attendees at the fundraiser cheer him on. Emily and Candice are next to him, with Randy and Pearle. Mr. Campbell comes on stage)
Mr. Campbell: Hi (laughs) Thank you, yeah. Mr. Campbell. I spoke with the rest of the faculty at Chamomile, and we all agreed to make Josh...Room Parent for life!
(The audience cheers as Josh and Emily look horrified)
Josh: Uhh...that can't be legally -
(Mr. Campbell is in his car, hanging out the window)
Mr. Campbell: It's legally binding, yay!
(Mr. Campbell drives off laughing)
(End of "Room Parents")
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