| This page is a transcript for Skate Dad. |
Cold Open
(Josh, Alex and Bridgette leave the apartment to go to a festival. Alex is blowing a whistle)
Josh: Friday night!
(The trio head inside the car)
Josh: Who's ready for the DTLA Hot & Hard festival? Yeah-yuh!
Bridgette: I am not overpaying for pills from a dude in a porta-potty again.
(Alex opens a suitcase of drugs)
Alex: Haha, we got uppers, downers, laughers, screamers, tampons soaked in vodka...and your favorite!
(Bridgette takes a bag from Alex)
Bridgette: (gasps) Cherry MDMA bites!
Alex: And for me...
(Alex pulls out a jar with a toad inside. The jar has a label that reads "UCLA BIO dept. TOAD SPECIMEN - May cause hallucination")
Alex: I stole this from UCLA before I got fired.
Josh: Uh, you got anything more dadspeed?
Alex: Ha, a glowstick maybe.
Bridgette: (laughs) Yeah, glowstick.
(Josh drinks a glowstick and glows green)
Josh: Josh, w-w-wait...you're drinking it?
Alex: Uh, yeah...I thought you guys were telling me about a life hack.
(The trio stare at each other)
Alex: That's...awesome!
Josh, Alex & Bridgette: Hot and hard! Hot and hard! Hot and hard!
(Bridgette pulls out of the driveway, drives in a circle, then Josh exits the car. Bridgette drives off)
Josh: Thanks for letting me pretend like I have enough free time to go to a concert! What a rush.
(Josh gags and runs off)
Main Episode
(Candice is sat on the sofa in the living room, watching a video titled "Clive Action Figure Unboxing" on her tablet. On the video, the unboxer picks up the plastic cover held over the toy)
Unboxer: Hm, what do we have here? Oh. Looks like a piece of plastic. It's a similar shape as the toy...
(Candace takes a sip from her juicebox and sighs. Josh then walks towards her dressed as a chef with a plate)
Josh: Morning, Candice! May I present to you...ta da!
(Josh presents her with the plate with two bananas, two eggs, two blueberries, a strawberry and a piece of bacon, shaped as a bunny face)
Josh: Eggs bunny-dict!
(Candice grabs the bacon from the plate and swallows it whole, with the bananas falling to the floor. She burps)
Josh: Hmm...
(Josh sits next to Candice to see what she's watching on her tablet)
Josh: Hey, you watching an unboxing video, Candice?
(Candice is now watching a Fidget Spinner unboxing video)
Unboxer: We have this sort of, uh, spinner toy. Let's see what this is all about...
(The unboxer pulls the fidget spinner out of its packet. Josh smiles at the video and then looks down next to Candice, to see the exact same fidget spinner next to her)
Josh: Candice, why don't you just unbox this one?
Candice: This is better...
Josh: Hey, I got an idea. Let's do something we can both enjoy.
(In Candice's room, Josh lays down a box labelled "Josh's Childhood Stuff". He sits a teddy bear between them both on her bed)
Josh: Alright, Candice. This right here is Teddy Ruxpin.
(Josh presses a button on the back of the teddy bear and it talks)
Teddy: Hi, can you and I be frien -
(The teddy bear malfunctions and catches fire, with its material burning off. Candice screams and runs out of her room)
Josh: Oh, dude!
(Josh follows her out of the room, as the teddy falls to the floor with its tape falling out. Later, Josh is showing Candice a Simon toy. Its red side lights up three times, and then the blue side lights up once. Candice slides away out of the shot. Josh frowns. Later, Josh is showing Candice a Magic 8 ball,labelled as a 7+1 ball)
Josh: Magic 8 Ball, are we having a great time right now?
(Josh shakes the ball, and a die pops up to the top, reading "We?")
Josh: Huh?
(Josh looks up to see that Candice is missing. He turns his head to see her sat on the sofa with her tablet again, watching a video)
Video: And that's another twist tie! Interesting choice they made on that one.
(Later, Josh is sat on a chair in the living room, talking to the practically-deceased Teddy Ruxpin)
Josh: Teddy, how am I gonna bond with my daughter?
Teddy: Let me die...
(Teddy catches fire again. Emily walks up to it and sprays it with a fire extinguisher. She is holding a box labelled "Donation Army", which has a skateboard inside)
Emily: Hey, let's get rid of this evil robot.
Josh: Might as well. Candice doesn't wanna do anything I liked as a kid.
(Josh sees the skateboard and gasps. He grabs it from the box)
Josh: Whoa, my old skateboard! I used to love skating.
(Candice sees the skateboard)
Candice: Whoa...a body roller skate!
(Candice jumps off the sofa and runs towards the skateboard, grabbing it and skating it around on her stomach)
Candice: Look, look! I'm a foot!
Emily: I haven't seen her this happy since that coyote bit her and she thought she was gonna turn into a werewolf.
Josh: Candice, you want me to teach you how to skate?
Candice: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!
Josh: (gasps) Skate dad!
(Later, Candice is taken to Koncep, a skateboard shop. Josh prepares Candice outside the store)
Josh: Big day, Candice! I remember when my dad took me to my first skate shop.
(A flashback begins in an old 90s skate shop. A teenage Josh walks into the store as his father walks in from behind, writing notes. As the flashback begins, Josh speaks to Candice in the present)
Josh: Sure, they're a little grungy, a little cluttered. But I'll be there to guide you the whole way.
(In the flashback, the skate shop is as Josh described, grungy and cluttered)
Teen Josh: Wow...
(A famous skateboarder, Bob Jonesworth, walks into the store behind Josh and his dad. He heads over to the cashier)
Bob: Whattup, whattup, whattup! This guy knows what time it is!
Teen Josh: Oh my god, dad! That's Bob Jonesworth!
(Josh notices that his father has disappeared)
Teen Josh: Dad?
(Josh looks outside to his dad sat in his car, honking its horn. He brings up his wrist and points to his watch, before honking the horn one more time. Josh frowns as the flashback ends)
Josh: Alright, Candice. You ready to go in?
Candice: Yeah!
(The family walk into the skate shop, to see a clean white interior, with a ramp near the back and a small collection of skateboards on a wall, completely different to how Josh had described it)
Candice: Dad, why did you take me to the Apple Store?
Josh: What the?
(The family walk up to a projected video of Bob Jonesworth skating down Baxter Street, one of the steepest streets in LA)
Josh: Oh, check this out! Bob Jonesworth bombing Baxter Street! What a legend!
(Josh bends down to Candice's level)
Josh: Some day, you'll be bombing hills just like your dad used to.
Candice: Bob Jonesworth is my dad?
Josh: No! I'm your dad! That's - Nevermind.
(Josh walks over to the cashier)
Josh: Whattup, whattup, whattup! This dude knows what time it is!
Cashier: Oh, can I help you with some watches?
Josh: What? We're here to shred! I'm looking for some righteous decks!
Cashier: Um, righteous dicks?
Josh: No man, a deck! I want a skateboard.
Cashier: Oh, you're gonna want the Goosh!
(The cashier turns around to shout to the Goosh)
Cashier: Yo, Goosh!
(The Goosh is skating on the ramp in the back of the shop)
Goosh: Be right with you, folks!
(The Goosh skates over to the family. On his way there, he ollies over an employee. Candice awes in amazement)
Emily: Oh my god, wow!
Josh: I could do that.
(The Goosh flips his skateboard up and greets the family)
Goosh: Hey, I'm the Goosh! Can I help you?
Josh: No doubt! No doubt, no doubt, no doubt, no doubt.
Goosh: Pardon me, sir?
Emily: Uh, we're looking for a skateboard for our daughter.
Goosh: Nice!
(The Goosh bends down to Candice's level)
Goosh: What's your name, shorty?
Candice: Candice! Why do they call you the Goosh?
Goosh: Because when I skate it sounds like "Goosh!"
(Candice laughs while Josh grumbles annoyed. The Goosh takes the family over to the small selection of skateboards in the store, labelled "Artisinal Decks")
Goosh: Can I help you pick a deck here?
Josh: Nah, we're good. We can do the picking. You can just do the selling or ringing up or whatever. No help needed.
(Josh lifts up Candice)
Josh: Alright, Candice. Choose wisely.
(Candice points at a satanic board, featuring the devil holding two decapitated hanging heads over an upside down pentagram and a collection of skulls)
Candice: Mmm, that one!
(A satanic voice can be heard)
Satanic Voice: SDVD WOHS RALUGER YUB!
Emily: Oh my god, Josh! That board is a hundred dollars!
(The Goosh walks up to the family)
Goosh: Well, this one's on sale.
(The Goosh shows a skateboard with art of his own torso, featuring a "GOOSH" tattoo and a six-pack)
Emily: Is that you?
Goosh: Yeah! Well, no. It's a picture of me. The real me's right here.
(The Goosh lifts his shirt to reveal a six-pack and a "GOOSH" tattoo)
Emily: Oh, hello Goosh...
Josh: That's a little inappropriate for children. We'll take the Satan board.
(Later, the family visit a skate park. Candice uses her stomach to control the skateboard once again)
Candice: (laughs) Daddy, can you teach me how to ollie like the Goosh?
Josh: The cashier? No, he doesn't know what he's doing!
Emily: Can you ollie?
Josh: Oh, I don't know...
Emily & Candice: Show us! Show us!
Josh: Okay, fine.
(Josh skates into the main section of the skate park)
Josh: Watch and learn.
(Josh attempts to ollie, but the skateboard flips up and hits him in the crotch. He falls into the skate pool, holding his crotch. The skateboard then rolls back down into the pool and hits him in the behind. Josh yelps. Moments later, an ambulance arrives. Everybody laughs as two paramedics skate down the pool on a stretcher towards Josh)
Paramedic: Taking notes, Tony Hawk!
(The paramedics strap Josh into the stretcher, while the skaters continue to laugh)
Skater: That dude just got ass-knifed!
(The paramedics wheel Josh back to the ambulance)
Josh: I'm fine! I'm not done shredding yet!
(Josh passes Candice as he enters the ambulance)
Candice: Daddy, what's an ass-knife?
Josh: Uh, that's a different lesson!
(The paramedics close the doors to the ambulance as it drives away. Later, back in the apartment, Emily is looking at an X-Ray of Josh's crotch, which now has a metal plate over it)
Emily: Dang, Josh. Can't believe they put a metal plate on your tang.
(Josh is sat in a wheelchair with a bag of party ice over his crotch)
Josh: (sighs) Skate Dad is skate sad. At least I'm trying my best unlike my dad. All he ever did was point at his watch angrily.
(Josh signals to a framed picture of his dad, where he points at his watch angrily)
Emily: I know it means a lot to Candice that you're trying so hard.
(Josh and Emily look out the window to see Candice playing with her skateboard on her stomach)
Candice: This guy got ass-knifed! We have to take him to the hospital! Wee-ooh, wee-ooh, wee-ooh!
Josh: I'm gonna show her how to roll down that ramp.
Emily: (laughs) You know what, your metal plate's kinda cool. Does it hurt though?
Josh: The only thing that's hurting is my heart, because I can't be out there helping Candice realize her skate potential. Now let me be! These pain-pills should be kicking in any mi-
(Josh falls fast asleep and begins to dream. "The Man in Me" by Bob Dylan begins to play, as the words "SKATE DAD" pop up on the screen. Josh is completely naked, with the metal plate over his crotch, and stands on a skateboard. He skates into the sky, flying over a nighttime Los Angeles, he skates to the side, creating a constellation of Candice and Emily. Down below, the Goosh hits a pipe in the skate park, falling to the ground and crying. He is then shaded by a shadow, and looks into the sky to see Josh, who flips both his middle fingers towards him. Back in reality, Josh is in the back of Emily's car, drooling)
Josh: Heheh, you suck.
(Josh wakes up. Emily is driving him through town)
Josh: Hey, what's going on? Where are we right now?
(Emily pulls up and Josh looks out to see Candice on her own in the skate park. Candice rolls over to the car)
Candice: Hey dad! Check it out!
Josh: Wait, you taught Candice to skate?
Emily: No...
(The Goosh rolls over to Candice)
Goosh: Yo, Skate Dad! Your kid's a natural!
(Josh stares at the Goosh in shock, as the word "natural" echoes in his mind)
Emily: Josh? Josh!
Josh: What?
Emily: I knew how bad you wanted Candice to learn to skate, so I went back to the skate shop and I signed her up for a lesson!
(The Goosh lifts up Candice on her skateboard, as she laughs)
Goosh: You shred, kid! We'll have you ollying in no time!
Candice: Thanks, papa Goosh!
(Josh stares at them in complete horror, as "Papa Goosh" echoes in his mind. Later, Emily joins them as they skate up a ramp)
Goosh: Yeah, great job, guys! Whoo!
Josh: So stupid.
(The Goosh grinds as Emily and Candice cheer him on)
Josh: Pfft, I could do that.
(Candice skates then hits a stone, causing her to fall off her skateboard)
Josh: Candice!
(The Goosh runs over to Candice)
Candice: Agh!
Goosh: You okay, Candy cane?
Candice: I scraped my knee!
Goosh: I got it!
(The Goosh puts a band aid over her knee and kisses it. He turns to Josh)
Goosh: Now, I'm Skate Dad.
(The Goosh morphs into Josh and laughs. Josh then pushes the car door open)
Josh: That's it!
(Josh makes his way over to Candice, Emily and the Goosh on crutches, struggling to breathe)
Josh: Come on, Emily! We're leaving.
Emily: Whoa, Sore-Groin-ey Weaver! Where's this coming from?
Josh: I've had enough! It's one thing that this guy is teaching Candice to skate, but now he's trying to out-Skate Dad me too!?
Emily: Aw, come on!
Goosh: Hey, I can teach you too! It's a free class!
Josh: You know what, "The Goosh"? You're full of it! Enough with the nice guy act!
Goosh: Act? I'm nice, I'm a nice guy!
Josh: We're gonna settle this old-school! Let's bomb the gnarliest hill in LA: Baxter Street.
(Later, at Baxter Street, the hill is so steep that when a car tries to turn, it rolls down the hill. The family, the Goosh, and a group of skaters are stood at the top. Josh looks down nervously)
Josh: (gulps) No doubt?
(Even later, at night. Josh is still looking down at the hill. He turns around and slowly skates towards Emily and Candice)
Josh: No doubt. No doubt, no doubt.
Emily: Josh, this is insane!
(The Goosh approaches)
Goosh: Uh, excuse me, sir? Obviously, you're a little agitated.
Josh: Skate Dad is not too old to bomb Baxter Street!
(Emily grabs Josh's shirt)
Emily: Josh, what is wrong with you?! Why are you doing this?
(Meanwhile, Candice looks down at the hill with her skateboard, and decides to bomb it herself)
Candice: Skate or die! Whoo!!
(Josh and Emily watch in horror)
Josh & Emily: Candice!
(Candice begins to scream. Emily then grabs a skateboard from another skater and follows her)
Emily: I'm coming for you, baby!
Goosh: Wait! I haven't taught you about street bombing yet!
(The Goosh follows Emily and Candice)
Josh: If anyone's gonna teach her, it should be me! Skate Dad!
(Josh follows the Goosh. Emily catches up to Candice)
Emily: Hang on, Candice!
(The Goosh catches up to Emily, leaning forwards)
Goosh: Ma'am! What you're gonna wanna do is lean with the wind!
(Candice looks back at the Goosh)
Candice: I'm scared, Goosh!
(Josh catches up to them)
Josh: Don't tell the Goosh you're scared, tell me! I'm your dad!
Emily: Why are you doing this?!
Josh: Why am I doing this?! This was supposed to be my fun thing that I get to do with my daughter! And this evil Goosh-bag is trying to take that away from me! I don't need your help, 'cause I know what time it is!
(Josh points to his wristwatch, just like his father. He then quickly realizes what he's doing)
Josh: Huh?
(Emily gasps)
Josh: Dude, listen. My dad never took me skating, and I'm trying to be a different type of dad for Candice. Goosh, thanks for your help, but I have to do this myself.
Goosh: Whoa, gnarly! My old man never took me skating. I just took it up to reject him. Respect, dude.
Josh: No doubt.
Goosh: No doubt. Goosh out.
(The Goosh skids to stop in place, leaving the family to bomb down the hill themselves)
Josh: Okay. I'll admit that was pretty cool.
(Candice is heading directly for a series of bollards. She looks back at Josh)
Candice: Daddy!
Josh: Candice! You have to stand up!
Candice: Okay!
(Candice tries to stand up. She loses her balance a little bit, but quickly regains it)
Candice: I'm doing it!
Josh: Yeah! Way to go, Candice!
Emily: Way to go, baby!
(Candice quickly skates around the bollards. Emily then arrives next to her and grabs her from the skateboard, holding her as she bombs down the street. Candice's skateboard crashes into a bollard and explodes. Suddenly, the wheels of Emily's skateboard set aflame, and Emily begins to lose her balance. Josh appears adjacent to them)
Josh: Jump back, I got you!
Emily: What?!
Josh: Just do it!
(Emily quickly jumps back into Josh's arms, still holding Candice tightly. Josh's metal plate starts wobbling)
Josh: Come on, baby. Hold together...
(The heavy weight of Candice, Emily, Josh and his metal plate combined, causes the skateboard to split in half, still bombing down the hill)
Josh: Oh, shi-
(The family pass a sign reading "ROAD WORK AHEAD")
Josh: Oh no.
(Josh has to quickly navigate around various traffic cones, leaving the left side of the skateboard to roll independently, as he hops with the right side. He then gains control of the left side, and tunnels over a road barrier, which collides with Josh's metal plate and burns his crotch. This happens again with a second road barrier)
Emily: Josh, look out!
(A VONS truck is reversing into the family's path. Josh and Emily gasp, as Candice laughs uncontrollably)
Emily: Go under! Go under!
(Tears stream from Josh's eyes, as he does the splits down the road. The metal plate brushes against the ground, and sets Josh's butt on fire, rocketing them all from under the truck and down the hill. This causes the truck to fall and roll down the hill. At the top of the hill, the Goosh and the skaters gasp. Josh screams, holding Emily and Candice, as he tries to out-skate the rolling truck. The truck rolls onto a parked car, which explodes. The family look back at the truck and scream. Emily then points ahead at another parked truck, with a lowered bay, similar to a ramp)
Emily: Over there!
(They all scream as they head for ramp-like bay, and zoom off it into the sky. The two halves of the skateboard fall down as they land in someone's backyard onto a diving board, which springs them all up onto the roof of the house. Josh sets Emily and Candice down on the roof, but panics as his butt is still on fire. He screams as he jumps straight into the house's pool. At the top of the hill, the Goosh and other skaters cheer)
Skater Girl: Whoo! That was epic! Skate Dad!
(Josh's head emerges from under the water, gasping for air. Emily and Candice laugh as they see Josh is still alive. Josh looks at them, and laughs along with them. At the top of the hill, everyone is still cheering except for the Goosh, who looks down at them with tears in his eyes)
Skater Boy: Aw yeah, Skate Dad! (laughs)
Goosh: That man's no Skate Dad. He's a Skate Father.
(End of "Skate Dad")
| |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||